Life alert

Brandon's IG post mocking me

Brandon’s IG post mocking me

I need to get this on the record. I am not accident prone. I am an accident attractant. There is a distinct difference. Well yeah, sure, if there happens to be just a small spot of any slippery substance on the floor I will just happen to be rushing by and take a total nosedive in front of groups of people so they all bear witness. But I digress. Accident attractants such as myself just always happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Like when my manager decided to grab a box of cameras off of a high shelf. I pointed out that there was a step stool right near us and as I turned around to get it he proceeded to drop the box of cameras on my head. Nothing I did caused the accident but since I’m an accident attractant I was the one hurt of course. Then there was the time I was in the receiving dock innocently disposing of my trash when a random 2×4 fell and cracked me in the back of my head. Or the time when…

er…um…okay so maybe these aren’t the best examples but you see where I’m coming from right?

Maybe there is more to it than I thought. Maybe there are unseen forces that are at work here. Accident faries or sprites perhaps! Perhaps this is why I’m always targeted. It’s a fairy conspiracy I tell you!

The point is that if an accident is going to happen, the accident fairies love to make sure I’m a part of it strictly for their entertainment purposes. They hardly ever happen when there are no witnesses to my less than dignified fall, scrapes, bruises, cuts and other various mishaps.

Since I have such a propensity for injuries my coworkers have dubbed me life alert. Yes, like the button. Remember the commercial with the lady who says “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”!  Yeah that commercial. Ha freaking ha. I work with comedians. They seem to derive great enjoyment at my expense. Thank you Cito and Jalissa for my moniker and a special thanks to Brandon for his Instagram post.

Okay. Maybe I am. Just a little. Damn fairies.

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Highonespresso

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Everyday is brunch day!

Everyday is brunch day!

You would think that with a name like this I would be some extravagant coffee connoisseur but alas, I am not. Just a gal who loves a good coffee and her occasional glasses of wine. When I was younger I would drink obscene amounts of espresso so I thought the name fitting but as I’ve progressed into my forties I can only seem to handle it in the mornings. Damn old age.

On a side note, I tried to find a picture of me drinking my morning bustelo but all my pictures seem to involve wine and mimosas. Must be an oversight.

Spencer is my favorite child.

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Having a nap on mommas pillows

Having a nap on mommas pillows

Spencer is my favorite child. This is something my friends and family have heard for years. My daughter does not find it as amusing as I do considering she is my only biological child. Spencer is a beautiful red Pekingese who happens to have the same birthday as my beloved daughter. He is a faithful companion who has travelled with me on multiple occasions and is happiest when he is with me and downright depressed when I leave him. He was recently diagnosed with insulinoma which has totally crushed me but so far his treatments are going fine so I will not depress you with this for a while.

When Spencer was a mere pup I took him on the first of many road trips down to Florida. We were spending the holidays with my dad and my family in Boca Raton Florida. He was such a trooper, not a single accident in the car.  I walked and fed him at every rest stop and he had fun exploring all the lovely rest stops along the eastern seaboard. When we finally hit Florida, The very freaking long state of Florida I might add, I took him for the usual walk. Unfortunately he sat right on a red ant hill! I hurriedly brushed off the offending culprits but not before they had bitten up his belly and manly areas if you know what I mean. My poor Spencer.

When we arrived at my dads house 5 long hours later we were both relieved to get out of the car. He was so excited too, there was another dog for him to play with! My dad had a rat terrier named Bruno who was just as happy to actually have a playmate. So there are the dogs, romping and running around all gleefully, when they ran out the sliding doors to the screened in pool area. Unfortunately Spencer had never seen a pool before and promptly ran straight into the water and straight down to the bottom. Ack! So it turns out Spencer learned how to swim real quick while I was panicking and yelling at my brothers. We finally scooped him out of the pool with the big pool net and my poor soggy pup had to suffer the indignation of a prompt bath to rinse off the chlorine. He never again made that same mistake. Lesson learned.

Over the course of the next 10 days Spencer and Bruno were inseparable. Like literally. The amount of humping and licking that went on was downright obscene lol (quick note, I am trying so hard not to use “lol”. I’ve totally succumbed to the quick text message lol to convey my point of humor. Please forgive a few here and there. Thanks!) my brothers found it quite amusing and even filmed some of the ongoing puppy porn. What can I say, they fell in love (lust). Spencer has been known as the rainbow puppy ever since. To this day Spencer loves to, <ahem> Service all male dogs he meets. No dog however, has meant as much to him as Bruno did. Even on subsequent trips they were inseparable. Bruno unfortunately, has since passed on to puppy heaven.

Welcome to my life. Have wine on hand, you’ll need it.

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 Hello new friends, I cannot promise you Pulitzer prize winning prose but hopefully I can entertain you a bit with the random thoughts and musings that go on in this head of mine. I am just your average 40 something year old lady living life with my dogs in NYC. I have a daughter who is all grown and on her own living in lovely Colorado with her cat Hannah. Spencer and Luke are my furry children who keep me constantly amused and sane. Between them and my occasional glass of wine <cough, cough> I am a pretty content lady. Thanks for coming along for the Ride.